an affair to remember

well its no mas with  my lover


im not heartbroken
but i guess im a little heart broken
oy


i laid in bed before getting up listening to
she & him "sentimental heart"


"oh habits die hard
when you got a sentimental heart..."


i guess we always have expectations 
because of them stupid ass movies
i love the quote from sleepless in seattle 
when rosie o'donnell & meg ryan
are watching "an affair to remember"
and then rosie says to meg
"thats your problem you dont want to be in love, you want to be in love IN A MOVIE."
hilarious!! and true!!
what a great movie.


people say that love is not like the movies
obvi
but also people can really bitch about their relationships
so why the fuck are you in that relationship???
sometimes people break up because of distance
or their work is too much
its understandable 
im not saying that relationships should not have rough patches 
because then it wouldnt be real
and you couldnt grow
but you dont have to "sacrifice"
thats so negative 
but you meet half way & grow together


maybe its not the right time for us
and thats ok
too much worrying 
worrying causes stress
and stress is NOT what a relationship is about


because when you love somebody
its simple

the world lies at the foot of a mother

my close friends kelsey's niece 
& the salyers newest addition to their family
sorry norman


i love being around hadyn!!! shes such a character
and sassy personality
it reminds me of how wonderful motherhood is!!!!!
cant wait
thankyou salyers for including me in your life!!
love you guys to the moon & back




my little buddy!!

i dont want to get married 

i dont really need a piece of paper to tell me im committed to my significant other

but i wont call my lover my "partner"

because that just sounds really d-baggy

anyway

but i cant WAIT to be a mom

if i had the financial means today

id get pregnant in a heartbeat

yay!!!

but  i dont thus insert sad face

some women are really adamant about changing their gender roles

and thats ok

its important for ladies to embrace their strength & independence 

girl power!!

but i think its also equally important to embrace the fact how women through out history

have kept men in check

ran households 

and control the worlds population

how great is that??

one of the great sultans of the ottoman empire 

once said "the world lies at the foot of a mother"

and we forget that

one thing i regret the most before going to the hospital

is being disrespectful to my mother

she is indeed a fragile person

has alot of anxiety & childhood trauma issues

but shes my mom

and its not ok to be rude to your mom

and now our relationship has developed for the better ten fold :))

i am going to have 6 kids 

not i want 6 kids

but its going to happen

ive manifested this

and the universe has already decided this

obviously the media really glorifies and draws attention to celebrity moms

what a weird way to grow up

anyway there are many celeb mamas who i dont agree with their parenting styles

cough cough brittany spears

but there is one starmama that i actually really admire

kourtney kardashian!!!

shes maintained a balanced life with her son (and another bun in the oven)

amongst all the craziness

and she wears her mom hat first & puts her family above her stardom

what a great thing to recognize 

when she could just get a million nannies

& ignore her motherhood role

i just think thats a great thing

relation reminder

i was texting a friend last sunday who has been really going through a hard time
she had a dear family member pass away
this is not a new feeling to me
i have so much empathy for her
i feel how she feels
i remember when i was released
last year
how my parents tried to protect me 
i felt like a caged animal
how my close friends and mentors
kept a close eye on my
they tip toed around me
like i was in a zoo
oh GOD
I FUCKING HATED THAT


i still hate those memories


but now im reflecting on it
everyone in my house is asleep
my sisters are off doing their own thing
a peaceful night in for myself


i never regret anything
after all experience is the best teacher
but the thing i come close to "regretting"
was being disrespectful to my mom
& fighting with my dad
they just didnt know what to do
and neither did i


with my sisters sometimes i just dont get them!!!!!!!
were all super close
but each have our differences
sometimes i feel jealous & hurt because i think theyre neglecting me
or they feel like im being out of line or dramatic
or were tired & impatient & hungry
OR WHAT EVER


but i love my siblings so much i would take a bullet for them in a millisecond 
 an the thing is
they will always be there for me
no matter how bad i fuck up
even if i murdered someone i know theyed help me bury the body
ok thats a little over the top
but still
always here
family always comes first
theyre here to help 
let them in when you can




portrait i did of my sisters rachel, kim, & my brother joseph & i that i completed today

shit you may not know about judaism

many non-jews speculate that judaism that judaism is just like christianity 

except they do not believe in jesus as part of god & that we have all of these old school traditions and we don't eat bacon.


not true!! 


judaism and christianity are on COMPLETELY different sides of the spectrum. 


the christian god and the jewish view of god are different in ways that that we 
don't believe

in hell 


one god is the god of the world 


all religions are many paths to god (why jews don't have missionaries) 


yata yata yata...


one thing that i love & just another reason of WHY i converted to judaism is that


THERE IS NO OFFICIAL VIEW ON THE AFTERLIFE AND WE DONT CARE BECAUSE IT DOESNT MATTER!!!!!!!


what matters


is this world 
right now


here
so don't fuck it up


live your life to the fullest


there are many ideas on the after life 

and one of them (my personal belief as well) is reincarnation


all souls repeat life to complete their unfinished work


if you have brought imbalance to the world 


hitlerstalinjohnwaynegacyosamabinladen etc


repeat life until their divine spirit
has been fully recognized 
brought balance to the world in their lifetime


in a different body


what do you think???????

there are many jewish sources 

dealing with what is popularly 
called "reincarnation."

in hebrew, 

it is called "gilgul 
ha'ne'shamot," 

literally the recycling or transmigration of 
souls.

"The soul only comes into this world in the first place in order 
to make a spiritual repair. If that is not fulfilled by the end 
of one's lifetime, then the soul will be sent down once again. 
The return trip may only be needed for a short time or in a 
limited way. This in part explains why people are born with 
handicaps or may live a brief life."

-       analysis by rabbi simmons

"many Jews are surprised to learn, or may even wish to deny, that reincarnation - the "revolving" of souls through a succession of lives, or "gilgulim" - is an integral part of Jewish belief. But this teaching has always been around. And it is firmly rooted in source-verses."

-       rabbi moshe chaim

“…that spark of Godliness never leaves us. Is it possible that that spark of Godliness can never be destroyed? Is it possible to destroy a soul?....all the souls will be reinvested in the bodies that are back here…a soul will be redeemed weather in this body or in another and then enter the afterlife.”

-rabbi Nissan dubov

what obama said/my little brothers ponderings

well well well!!!
what a 48 hours in the political world!!!
obama stated his official stance on his views about same sex marriage
oh how this will effect his campaign & election


anyhooooo im here to talk about something that hit me like a semi truck. 
but in a good way.


last night my brothers small group came over
the topic was about gay marriage and what mr prez said
mind you this is a group of 13 and 14 year old 8th grade boys
at first it seemed like a very one sided ultra christian conversation
homosexuality is a no no
gays & lesbians are sub-humans
etc.
when i earsdropped on the convo i was LIVID 
this is an interfaith household!!!!!!!!!!!!!
tolerance is held upon a podium of honor!!!!
i literally wanted to splash a boiling pot of coffee (regular not decaffeinated)
on the youth pastors face
so hed be forced to wear a mask 
like the phantom of the opera
but 
as i continued to listen from upstairs
their pastor began to challenge the boys on their views about gays
he said how christians in other countries are persecuted for being different
and to love homosexuals
and to not use "gay" in a derogatory term
alas
the boys still said that homosexuality was "weird"
and they shouldnt allowed to get married
AND THEN
my brother stepped in & began talking about how gay marriage in the USA 
is not a religious issue but a POLITICAL issue
religion shouldnt be mixed in with the decision
we are not a "christian" nation
we are a nation based on freedom of ALL (wo)men
bottom line
all americans should have equal rights
regardless of
race religion or sexual preference
& bottom line his belief is same sex marriage should be legalized.


WOW.
i have so much pride and respect for my little brother
not because of his political stance 
but because he voiced his opinions to his friends and peers
and showed his well thought out political opinion 
that most kids his age dont even think about


i know that what he said is probably influenced by
our cousin who came out not so long ago
his sister (me) who converted to judaism 
and his religious belief that we are all children in the eyes of the one god
hindu christian buddhist taoist jewish muslim or whatever
he has the most kind & understanding heart
he truly has wisdom beyond his years


hahahaha joe today before his last track meet lol

one year

last week was like an obese 8 year old forced to run the boston marathon for my family & me
on may 3 one year ago was when my aunt kathy passed
she hung herself.
uuuggggghhhhh
i had just gotten out of the hospital & finishing my out patient program
yes it sucked indeed
each death that i have experienced in my life has made me realize that no one type of grief is the same
just like no one passing of ones life is the same


i keep a journal
and last week was my journals end because i started it a year ago and now im starting a new one
i reread it 
what i found were the different ideals and feelings ive had about death and suicide


i had been admitted into the hospital for trying to kill myself
the scars on my arms is the reminder
when i got out and was "well"
she was gone


at the beginning of my journal i was a wreck 
i was hurt and angry and confused
i didnt understand why this was happening in my life
i remember screaming in my head WHY GOD
WHY DID THIS HAPPEN NOW FUCK


but in my heart i understand
i was angry at myself
i guess im still trying to understand why
why did i have to live
i dont know if i was stronger?? am i stronger??
i dont feel like it


now a year has come and gone
here's a few words from my last entry:


"sometimes it feels like a dream, or a dream of a dream. did she even exist?? did i make up this whole thing?? no if i did i wouldnt feel this sadness...i am sitting here wrapped in what once was her blanket... and i feel lonely comfort...i have these pieces of her and theyre hugging me. and its beautiful. and its REAL....im sorry it was such a struggle for me to forgive to forgive you and to forgive myself. but you are kind and you teach me day by day. i feel your soul around me. i see your presence in the beauty of the world and in my favorite people....keep visiting me in my dreams...aunt kathy, come say goodbye or at least pretend we had one....remember me try your best...i will not forget you"


dear god
whose name i do not know
thank you for my life.

poem-me

me

i think im ugly

i dont eat healthy

i dont think im educated 

i smoke like a chimney

i have no talents

i hate my body

my body hates me

i drink more than i should

i hardly sleep

i hate eating

i thrive on coffee

my medication keeps me sane

i hate myself

im made up of all of these things

yet i love myself anyway