one year

last week was like an obese 8 year old forced to run the boston marathon for my family & me
on may 3 one year ago was when my aunt kathy passed
she hung herself.
uuuggggghhhhh
i had just gotten out of the hospital & finishing my out patient program
yes it sucked indeed
each death that i have experienced in my life has made me realize that no one type of grief is the same
just like no one passing of ones life is the same


i keep a journal
and last week was my journals end because i started it a year ago and now im starting a new one
i reread it 
what i found were the different ideals and feelings ive had about death and suicide


i had been admitted into the hospital for trying to kill myself
the scars on my arms is the reminder
when i got out and was "well"
she was gone


at the beginning of my journal i was a wreck 
i was hurt and angry and confused
i didnt understand why this was happening in my life
i remember screaming in my head WHY GOD
WHY DID THIS HAPPEN NOW FUCK


but in my heart i understand
i was angry at myself
i guess im still trying to understand why
why did i have to live
i dont know if i was stronger?? am i stronger??
i dont feel like it


now a year has come and gone
here's a few words from my last entry:


"sometimes it feels like a dream, or a dream of a dream. did she even exist?? did i make up this whole thing?? no if i did i wouldnt feel this sadness...i am sitting here wrapped in what once was her blanket... and i feel lonely comfort...i have these pieces of her and theyre hugging me. and its beautiful. and its REAL....im sorry it was such a struggle for me to forgive to forgive you and to forgive myself. but you are kind and you teach me day by day. i feel your soul around me. i see your presence in the beauty of the world and in my favorite people....keep visiting me in my dreams...aunt kathy, come say goodbye or at least pretend we had one....remember me try your best...i will not forget you"


dear god
whose name i do not know
thank you for my life.