stress and chai

sooooooooooo i havent blogged in a while. so here is a catchup:

life has been HELLA stressful, im breaking out and my grades have been slipping :// i have to get on that!! i dont know whats up, i cant get distracted at this time in my life. i just have to work work work work busy busy busy busy left right left right im not here to have fun.

seriously.................im making an oath:

i, jaclyn,

vow to do all of my projects

no matter how much i fucking hate it

and no matter how stupid i think they are

and do 110% job

and to study my ass off

for the rest of the semester

or may god strike me with a lightening bolt

amen

suprisingly i feel better about my life now, ha!!but seriously.

also today i went with my friend jeff and got a lovely chai latte at coffee bean, its my favorite drink besides black coffee. i love black coffee!! i love coffee with cigarettes, its the best.

i should really start to try to smoke less. seriously. i am chewing gum to try to curb my cravings, its not really working.

jaff and i having fun

chai with american spirits...........yum!!

royalty

well well well!! last night "kims fairytale wedding" part I aired. it. was. fab. i love that show, which may sound shallow, but in general i really like reality shows!! not because i want to be like snookie or a fundementalist latter day saint likie on "sister wives", i just love love LOVE to psycho-analyze that shit. i like to psycho-analyze every thing. thats probably why i want to be an art therapist, get inside peoples heads, extract their mental burden with my mind vice & crush it.

p.s for all you kardashian fanz, i hate kris humpheries as of now. he is very distasteful in my sight, not to mention disrespectful, self centered, and just plain immature. lets hope the hump proves us wrong tonight at 8.

hahahahaha i feel like a looser.......BUT I DONT CARE :))

forgiveness

The Oxford English Dictionary defines forgiveness as 'to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt'.

forgive forgive FORGIVE!!!

every religeon emphisizes making amends with others and god. well maybe except satanism but i cant really say.

christianity: forgiveness is through jesus christ, through him one finds peace with god.

islam: god is "al-ghaffur" all forgiving, and to recive forgiveness you must recognize your offense, make a commitment to not repeat your mistakes, and ask forgiveness from god.

hinduism: "prayaschittha" atoning from ones wrong doings. karma is a sum of all that an individual has done, is currently doing and will do. the effects of those deeds and these deeds actively create present and future experiences, thus making one responsible for one's own life, and the pain in others.

judaism: teshuva. the act of returning to god. there is no middle man, all have the power to return to hashem, if you have a sincere mind and a willing mind. ask for forgiveness from others, because they are betzelem elohim, the divinity of god resides in all people, if you wrong a person, you have wronged god. you must ask forgiveness from the people you have hurt, make amends and be reconciled in order for forgiveness. also you must make a vow with yourself not to repeat what youve done to any other person.

humans have limitations, we are not perfect. i have limitations, i am not perfect. i recognize that i have not treated others the way i want to be treated, i have not been kind and loving to strangers, i have not preformed mitzvot with a whole heart, i have not put 100% into all of my actions, i have not been fully compatiuonate, i have not honored my parents, i have taken care of mother earth as much i should, i have lied, i have cheated, i have been stubborn, i have been angry. i have been all these things, and its time to reflect on who i want to become.

i want to be kind, i want to excude love, i want to be open and compationate, i want to be giving and grateful in my life, i must become more proactive in all that i do, i want to create beauty in this world.

i want to be able to forgive myself.

i am human & i have limitations.

the most importand thing

well yom kippur is only 3 days away, and its time for contemplation on our actions this past year. this is a tough subject. did i treat others with loving kindess and as i want to be treated?? definately not always!! im guilty of being selfish, quick to anger, and unforgiving. i know, i can be a real cold hearted bitch!! i hate it, i want to be perfect 8 days a week and go above and beyond every expectation and excel at all my challenges.

practice makes perfect. WHAT BULLSHIT. there is no such thing as perfect. but you know what?? its the mistakes and shortcomings of everything in this life that makes us beautiful souls.

yom kippur.....day of atonement. you can never ask god for forgiveness if you have wronged another person, you must GO to the wronged and ask for their forgiveness. by wronging your fellow man, you have wronged god.

i can only ask adonai to help me forgive myself. forgive yourself forgive yourself forgive yourself. have compassion on yourself!!!!!!!!!!!! i feel like this is impossible. we are so hard on ourselves, why is it so difficult to let go of our mistakes?? it is so easy to fall into patterns of negative self talk, it takes work to be able to find your peace of mind. to try to heal takes courage.

blessings

for my birthday all i wanted was to be able to see my friends and relations, and i did, & it was divine!!


friday my sister kim too me out to breakfast at pannikin, my favorite!! i had granola with soy and black coffee (yummiest breakfast ever) & kim had one of their grade a bagels with an iced mocha. we went to lous records to scope out the music scene & i also restocked on my incense. ok, there is the hottest guy at lous, he is tall and brittish and savvy. we always chat when i go to browse there, and its one of my reasons for living.


that night, after a refreshing walk with craig on the beach, grace and claire came with me to see midnight in paris(my second time seeing it because I LOVE IT)!!!!! if you have not seen that film yet, turn off your computer now and just go. just go and see it.now. its so clever and witty, oy!! 


then on saterday night julie brought over her magnificent sweet potatoes and my brother joe made his famous salmon. everyone got along good and had fun!! hilly and david also had a jam sesh with guitar and piano which added greatly to the ambiance. 


thanks everyone who made #19 so special!!