fun with frida

yesterday i had the most wonderful opportunity to go to LACMA with my aunt & uncle & cousins to see FRIDA KHALO (all time favorite artist) 
and other surrealist women artist (goddess power)
side note: when i was in mexico city almost 3 years ago i went to FKs house in coyacan....thats right. im obsessed
i didnt know how to prepare myself (like the dalai lama)
i connect with her art on such a deep level
when i stood there looking at her first painting
i literally only stared at it for 20 MINUETS 
my uncle timed it and teased me about it later
i couldnt help myself
because i was beside myself with emotion


why do i connect with FK??
through pain 
through sadness
through struggle
through tears of pain and joy
through passion
through art
she was hit by a buss when she was 18 
in mexico city
an iron rod went through her va  jay jay (yikes!!)
and out her back
she wasnt supposed to live
let alone walk
but she did
after 8 months in a body cast
she married diego rivera 
then they got divorced
then they remarried...true soul mates
she had a miscarriage
she was in vogue
the last few years of her life
her leg was amputated
she finally had a show of her art in mexico city instead of all over the globe
she died in her late 40's
she was an artist because she suffer


all artists suffer in some way. thats why i relate to her most, through lifes torment.
we all suffer.


some photos of my day:

for the world

ok i hated elementary school
i never had alot of friends
i was never a pretty blonde popular girl
i never was a sporty chica
i pretty much did art all the time or play in my own world in my mind


in middle school i went to a private school
it was like mean girls
except in middle school form
which made it a million times worse
i was like janice but without a damion


have any of you ever been bullied??
thats a stupid question (i am a firm believer that there ARE stupid questions and stupid answers)
EVERYONE AT SOME POINT HAS


even going to the hospital for help
i know some people were talking behind my back
even some of the ladies in the hospital were inconceivably mean


there are some real bitches out there.


one thing that i have found to be extremely reassuring and still do is those wonderful grown ups
those wonderful grown ups who are
our adopted mothers/fathers we meet in life
our biological parents/relations
kind mentors
our therapists and counselors
those few god sent teachers that inspired us to better people (you know who you are!!)


today i saw something truly horrific & i cried because my heart broke
there is a little boy who was bullied by his own TEACHERS in school
akian also has autism
akian was yelled at and demeaned by his special needs teachers


i watched this video, what a mix of emotions!!
sadness and empathy for akian and his dad
anger and loathing for akians teachers
but also pity for them
i pity them because they probably have never been truly loved and thus project it on others, even helpless children who need extra TLC
i pity them because they are blinded by selfishness as well as self loathing


i cried for akian for his devastated parents for his teachers for all of the children in the world who are abused for those who are lonely and unloved who have little resources who are starving who are hungry who are homeless who are submersed in materialism 


i cried for the world because we are all broken & need help bringing our souls back together in one piece


please watch this video and see how you feel about it
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfkscHt96R0

survey...havent seen one of these bad boys in a while

1. Physical attributes you find particularly alluring?

     

   Juoquin Phoenix/Scott Disick....need i say more?? 

2. Mental/personal attributes you find particularly alluring?

   hilarious, witty, smart & wise, cultured, open minded &        political

3. Name a book that changed your life.

   easy.....A TREE GROWS IN BROOKLYN!!!!!!!!

4. Detail your personal feelings about public transit and share a story involving a mode of public transportation.

    hahahahaha so many funny stories!!! i love public transit i really wish i didnt have you use a car but US PT sucks ballz. favorite memoirs are with my sister rachel in mexico city & all over europe :))

5. Is a fixed-gear bicycle an automatic sign of hipsterdom?

    i dont even know what that means.

6. Where was the first place you were allowed to walk to/go to 

without adult supervision?

    walking to school in the 3rd grade+

7. Have you ever played ‘the floor is lava” game? 

    what kid hasnt?? my dad would get so into it that he would really scare the shit out of us!!

8. Were you a proponent of the pillow fort or the blanket tent?

     what do you mean "were"?? still am. obvi.

 9. Best time you ever had in a natural (i.e. outside an urban area) setting?

    all the fun times camping & hiking with kim & joe & my fam and oregon 2011 family reunion 

10. Best compliment you ever received?

    when people i love and respect tell me their proud of me

11. What is the worst thing about living in these times? 

    no 100% global green energy (even though we have the technology) & we are still trying to achieve world peace

.

12. Name two historical crushes.

    Martin Luther King jr & JFK

13. How accurate is your zodiac sign when describing you?

    libra leo rising...spot on!! i believe that we can manifest our own destiny but somethings are meant to be.

14. Name the best combination of flavors ever.

    super spicy and mega spicy

15. Name one thing that causes tension between you and your family members. 

    old wounds

16. Who and what do you love?

    How can one possibly write all of their loves down?? family friends music nature painting helping people organic living spirituality my favorite books adventuring my favorite movies the mountains the ocean blah blah blah.... ITS IMPOSSIBLE TO DESCRIBE MY LOVE FOR MY LOVES ITS ETERNAL

17. Ten small things that make you ecstatic.

    

    1)my family and friends   2)traveling  3)being out in nature in the sunshine or in the rain   4)random culture shit   5)getting in the spiritual zone  6)music/concerts and art 7)partying and having a great time with my budds 8)having a heart to heart chat  9)reading a great book or watching a fabulous movie   10)having a wonderful and beautiful fun filled meaningful day with doing all of these things that make me so happy with the people that make me even more happy  

the rest are details.....

just wondering....
....after being in treatment and what not, have your perceptions of god changed??
what were they before??
heavenly father??
krishna??
allah??
aliens??
the force??
personally being in treatment with a little soul searching confirmed my beliefs about god (lo & behold i officially converted to judaism in june after i was released in may)
i dont see god as a santa in the sky
even as a child in sunday school there was questions ministers and teachers could not answer me in a realistic way
even the private school santa fe christian i went to, i was literally in detention almost every week for back sassing my teachers in science class & bible class.
to sum things up judaism is my niche.
as a jew i believe god is not a man or being, but an energy connects us all.
it took me a while to get in touch with that energy, for a while i was on my own carrying my burdens without any help.
usually when people ask me if i believe in god i reply that i believe in myself.
because i do!!
I HAVE THE POWER TO CREATE MY OWN DESTINY VIA THE DIVINITY THAT RESIDES IN MY SOUL.


any thoughts??

one flew over the cukoos nest

just watched watched one of my all time favorite movies/books ONE FLEW OVER THE CUKOOS NESTfirst off jack nicholson refuses to quit. what a baddass!!!
did you know he actually did real life shock treatment for that scene to identify with his character & those institutionalized?? dedication. respect.
the dynamic between chief & mcmurphy is amazing.
mcmurphy is the embodiment of the id, all natural animal & human insticts.
mcmurphy brings life and hope to chief, who's life has been shattered by the destruction of his land, he choosed to be mute to isolate himself from the world.
mcmurphy saved his soul by bringing life back into his cold corpse of existence.

when mcmurphy is forced to get a lobotomy, he becomes a vegetable, the opposite of his very being!!
to me having no emotions and no creativity would be worse than death, the feeling is mutual with mcmurphy. maybe with everyone.
chief sees his friend laying on a hospital bead like a piece of lunch meat. Mcmurphy is gone, his spirit is trapped in his body unable to ever be able to connect to himself or the world ever again.
fuck that would suck ballZ
chief suffocates him and mcmurphy dies.
at first your reaction is purely horrifying
1st degree murder?? controversial.
i dont think so. i see it like having a loved one in a coma, and if the slight chance they do come out of it but they will be a veggieman forever, you'd be faced with the decision of pulling the plug or not.
if it were me i would want my family and friends to say their goodbyes & pull the plug.
i would rather be free then be in a cage.
thats exactly what chief does, he frees his friend mcmurphy from a terrible fate.

chief then breaks out of the hospital & goes back into the forest to his native american roots.

picture perfect

do any of you have any issues with relationships????
I KNOW I DO
but i dont know why
shouldnt i have this already worked out in therapy?? i mean, isnt this what we have been paying for. fix our problems already we are putting fucking food on your table.
lol but really why do we have issues with our fellow humans??


after all that i have been through i expect myself to be more open & i guess welcoming to letting new people in my life.
everyone has their shit under their rug
embrace it


so now things are picking up with R but so much is up in the air
life is reminding me/utmost control freak how much i dont control
AND ITS SENDING ME INTO FULL BLOWN PANIC MODE
whatcanicontrolwhatcanicontrolwhatcanicontrolwhatcanicontrol??!!!!
WHAT CAN I CONTROL??!!!
what it always leads back to...i can control myself, therefore i can control my body.
i can make myself look PERFECT. 
i will never be satisfied until every inch of me is molded & sculpted into perfection.


but isnt this what i have been fighting to not backtrack into??
but it just seems like my only solution


i wont have control over my life until i am perfect
i wont have control over this situation until i am perfect
he wont stay with me until i am perfect

D Day

WOOOOWWW what a day!!!!! and its not even over.
i saw his holiness the dalai lama at UCSD today and heard him speak, mostly about our responsibility of mother earth, but also about the oneness that needs to be reawakened by mankind


when he entered the stage the room was silent......the erupted with applause (he actually told us to sit down we all were standing and clapping for so long hahahaha!!)
i felt like i was going to cry barf sing shout and it felt like your stomach was dropping on a crazy ass roller coaster
its still all so surreal it feels like a dream
through education we can change the world and our planet for the better


this little blue dot in the universe is our home & we must reconnect with our roots


what does it feel like to be that enlightened being?? how can he be so calm and one with god under the circumstances of his life & the weight of this world??


i wonder if he gets stage fright


the most incredible experience of my young life....and probably will ever experience
its almost insane to think that exactly a year ago i was in the hospital wanting to die & escape this life. now i was just in an auditorium that turned into an overwhelming peaceful & sacred space because of this simple monk from tibet and all i want to do now is be connected to the planet and be in this beautiful place forever. i cant believed i witnessed history.


most divine & spiritual experience ive had in the longest time. SO REFRESHING!!!! i feel once again connected to the beautiful and omnipresent energy that is god.


god has not forgotten us.

new direction

bienvenidos 
well i have decided to take this blog in a new direction.....
....POST APOCALYPTIC.
just kidding. actually not kidding.
if you have not experienced some sort of devastating loss or traumatic life change you probably wont get what i mean by this.
post apocalyptic.
the events after the end of the world.
not an utopia but a dystopia world.


its my one year anniversary of being admitted into aurora
my journey after institutionalization
escaping the lab and my fellow experimentation rats
what happens after you fly over the cuckoos nest


i hope some of you understand this or at least it will speak to one lonely soul out there