picture perfect

do any of you have any issues with relationships????
I KNOW I DO
but i dont know why
shouldnt i have this already worked out in therapy?? i mean, isnt this what we have been paying for. fix our problems already we are putting fucking food on your table.
lol but really why do we have issues with our fellow humans??


after all that i have been through i expect myself to be more open & i guess welcoming to letting new people in my life.
everyone has their shit under their rug
embrace it


so now things are picking up with R but so much is up in the air
life is reminding me/utmost control freak how much i dont control
AND ITS SENDING ME INTO FULL BLOWN PANIC MODE
whatcanicontrolwhatcanicontrolwhatcanicontrolwhatcanicontrol??!!!!
WHAT CAN I CONTROL??!!!
what it always leads back to...i can control myself, therefore i can control my body.
i can make myself look PERFECT. 
i will never be satisfied until every inch of me is molded & sculpted into perfection.


but isnt this what i have been fighting to not backtrack into??
but it just seems like my only solution


i wont have control over my life until i am perfect
i wont have control over this situation until i am perfect
he wont stay with me until i am perfect