so far away....doesnt anybody stay in one place anymore??

today has been one somber affair. two very close people to my heart, kelsey and nick. theyre going to thailand for 3 months and then in january nick goes to seattle and kels goes to fort collins. friends and relations are dropping like flies around here!! my little brother joe is too popular for me, and my sisters are both busy with work and school. we have two completely different scheduals, same with my BFF grace. it sucks.

i feel really lonely...wait no actually i feel alone, which is different. im a lone wolf right now, wondering through my days like a ghost in a cold limbo unseen by all. that may sound depressing, but thats how i feel.

kelsey and nick, i really truly will miss you. i already miss you!! please be safe and dont get malaria or any weirdo disease. just so you know, a piece of my spirit goes with both of you. i love you so much, go out and bring peace to the world you beautiful friends!!!!!!!!!

sticks vs hour glasses

body image is something that i especially struggle with, i feel constantly in an endless competition with other women, and even my close friends, to be my ideal "thiness" or whatever the hell your word of choice is. i used to feel that being self consious about ones body was something you grow out of after you reach a certain age (24 maybe??) but now i realize that a good handful of women have an ageless battle with body image, even my mom complains that shes gained weight or doesnt want to wear a bathing suit even though she's only 42 and has a athlete mom bod.


i recently watched "lets make love" with marilyn monroe. marilyn is one of those universal sex icons, she is undoutably thought of as one the sexyest and beautiful bodasious women of all time!! compare a marilyn monroe curvy diva to our modern model who are 6 feet tall and weigh a total of 85 pounds. marylin was a size 12 compared to the now "healthy" abd "normal" sizes of 0 and 2. a size 6 or 8 is scrutinized amoung american women as being overweight or hefty. what is up with us?? why are we so warped into thinking this way?? why am i so obsessed with my weight?? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH SOCIETY??!!!


who really decides what is beautiful and whats not?? is it the fashion industry, or being self consious about the way the opposite sex views us?? in oriental culture, small feet are considered desirable, thus women would put blocks on their feet when they were young to thwart the growth and create their fairy feet & live with pain and foot problems for life. people think thats going to extremes, but alas in LA culture its the norm to go plastic surgery crazy an morph your entire face into something else and bowling ball status ta tas. what sounds more extreme now.


i wonder when we will wake up and recognize that everyone is born a different unique way and that their "flaws" make them beautiful instead of freakish creatures. curvy used to be in, and i hope it comes back, because id really like to be able to eat whatever i want without guilt. this is something i have to work on.

santa maria

there are many people in this world that inspire me, but one of my top people is my nana, mary. she is singke handedly one of the most smart, independent and determined women in the the last 100 years. she makes eleanor roosavelt and michelle obama look like pretentious girl scouts. shes taught me most of my lifes ethics: work hard (life doesnt owe you anything, so go out and kick its ass), family first, and red wine and a little poker  or oh hell can fix anything.

my nana is an episcopalian with attitude. she doesnt believe in one right religeon, but the universal oneness of god and the universe. this life is all there is, so live it up, be nie to people, and dont talk with your mouth full.

all though im jewish, there is one part of my christian past that i still hold on too.

ive always had a very special connection to saint mary, and whenever i think of her appearing to us mere mortals, preforming miracles, or comforting one in the time of need, i alwasy see my nanas face and something that she has done for me or for my family.

"Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee; blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen^"

mission accomplished

Jaclyn, absolutely I can add you to my Tuesday class. I have attached the syllabus for the course so that you can catch up. I can give you the permission number that you need on Tuesday.

Professor Fitzgerald

 

thank god.

adolescent angst

an email to (hopefully) my astronamy teacher:

Greetings and salutations my name is Jaclyn Curran and I am a freshly minted student at Mira Coasta. I made one of those adolescent blunders regarding my schedual and to make a long story short I do not have an english class etc. I was planning on taking your class next semester and I know I missed your intro class on Tuesday, but I would be eternally greatful if you accepted me into your class even though I am late!! I see that you have a green circle and three open seats for Tuesday nights, so I beg of you to accept me please. Thanks so much for your time and hope to hear from you soon.

Cordially,

Jaclyn Curran

sound desparate enough?? well thats because i am. keep your fingers crossed, or for all of you spiritual/religious folk out there.............pray for me.

otra vida

i have a friend from 5th grade that me and my sister kim recently connected with. she and her family went through really hard times in middle school, then in high school went through some pretty radical changes, became a born again christian & went on a ton of missions, got married last summer right when she turned 18, and now shes about to have a baby!! i cant even believe it!! her hubby is in the military, they have their own apartment, shes my age and is already starting her own family. i wonder what her rush was to get married. what is anyones rush to get married??


 i dont really understand this whole marriage concept anyway. what is wrong with just living with someone & having a family without the ceremony & contract?? to me its pretty much the same terms of commitment with or with out a wedding. what do young and ultra-religious adults think about when they get married at 18/19/20?? do they feel like sex out of wedlock is such a terrible sin and god will smite them or something??


see the thing is when you get married so young you dont really have time to grow into your own person. you dont get to really experience life and find out who you are and what you want out of it. you dont know what life partner you need to have in your life yet because really, you dont know what you need to create from your life. honestly, i feel that god would worry more about how you grow and mature as a person so that you can give the best of yourself to better the world rather than if you stay abstinent or not.


personally, i dont think you should really be in a committed relationship until your in your late 20's or 30's. i know that i will not christen someone as a life partner until i have a stable job and i have my head on straight about life. and to be honest, i dont want to get married. i dont have a dream for a big white wedding, i dont want the picket fence and the 1950's house with my  successful business husband and my 2.5 children and labrador retriever. i am independent and determined about life & i feel like i should have my partner have the same attitude about life. 


i dont know if i could ever live like my friend. i dont think i could ever settle down so easily, or even at all, and take the backseat to my husbands life and raise my children. i dont judge women for making that choice, even if i disagree with their thinking. i admire my friend who has the strength to become a loving wife and mother for being so young, and i truly hope the best for her and hope that she has many blessing coming to her in her life!!

2+2=fish

ok, let me be clear, i am in the top ten worst math people currently living. i am seriously so terrible at math, its insane. the only reason why i was even able to graduate high school was because i took math independently and also because my sister rachel took mercy on me and tutored me almost every day. she even said that she made up stories during our little math study sessions to keep me focused on what we were doing.

i really am so self concious about my mathmatic skills, or lack there of, because i feel like the whole world can to math but me and i feel stupid & inferior. i cant even multiply 345 x 9....and thats simple 4th grade math!! im so scared of my math class, even though i am at the lowest level of math at my college, i feel like i
cant do any of it myself and that i am going to fail miserably.

seriously, what is the point of making college students take math or science if their major is not anywhere near those subjects?? im a art major for christs sake!! am i ever going to do math in my life besides paying bills and what not?? 99.9% most likey not.

so after hearing my indian proffesors accent going through our syllabus and all that jazz for an hour and 45 minuets, i was so discouraged and worried that after wards i spent literally 10 minuets crying in the bathroom. yes, i am that pathetic. then i called my sister and vented to her about this conundrum.

rachel, if youre reading this, you truley are a saint. thank you 100 times over for helping me with math all of these years!! even though i know how difficult i was, you helped me so much. its too bad that all of my math knowlege after passing (barely) my classes was completely flushed from my brain. sorry. i really wish that i was 15 and you were 17 and you could help me now hahahaha...but seriously doing this on my own is going to suck without you.

artsy santa

tonight was my first class as a collegite. it was figure drawing/life drawing, which means i get to draw naked people....yay!! but seriously, the human figure in general is an art form. the greeks were the ones who really kick started the rage of figure drawing/painting/sculpture. They regarded the body as a "temple" and a symbol of divinity, the nudes went from 2D to the forms moving in a 3D space. Figure art remains a consistant challenge in the art realm, psychologicaly, in 3D, light & movement, and every single human figure is different. unless youre a clone.

my professor is also quite a comical guy. he has these fiesty little blue eyes and resembles that of an artsy saint nick. seriously, he is aged like a fine wine, is round and jolly, has rosey cheeks, and a snow white beard. he also talks with his hands like an italian mama. really, all thats missing is 8 reindeer and a sleigh.

earlier this morning i ran into my friend/hebro brian who saved me in sorting out all of my classes and figuring out my schedual. thanks brian!!

also i saw the lovely sophilia today, and it was quite a reunion because we havent seen eachother for a while. we went to mozy cafe and ate sweet potato fries. and then i just got home from me and my sis getting burritos. divine!!

staples of the living dead

ok, starting college does spark the imagination for what the future holds, but shopping for school supplies is DEFINATELY not my cup of tea!!!! i hate hate hate hate hate hate hhhhaaaaaaaattttteee places like office depo, staples, walmart, and even the mighty target, make me crazy. after more than 5 minuets in those stores make me feel like a rabbid racoon in a cage, seriously, i become this grumpy, cranky curmudgeon that resembles the tazmanian devil.
so this afternoon i went to staples. now i have a headache-no joke!! after a few mins i began to drag my feet and felt the energy in my body start to drain. i felt like i was becoming a zombie, and i started to wonder "how do the employees here survive this zombie apocolypse??" literally it seemed like all of the cashiers and clerks had pasty never-been-exposed-to-vitimin D-or sunlight skin and gray bags under their eyes.

virgin madre de jesus, i hate back to school shopping.

                          behold my loot.

end of an era

wowzwers. i had this weird dream that it was summer....then i woke up from my nap & i start college tomorrow!! woot i am going to be a art major with a psych minor. its weird how life plays tricks on you, just yesterday i was in 4th grade and five minuets ago i was just starting highschool. father time, you are one strange dude.
i had a lot of fabulous adventures this summer: i drove to utah to see my cousin caitie get married, worked at a jewish day camp, drove up to oregon to go to see my 72 family members at our family reunion and saw mt shasta and crater lake on the way. ive kept busy all summer and now its time to crack down on higher education.

my siblings and i at graduation

grace, my bestie, and i on the swings (AKA scariest thing known to man) at the del mar fair

my cousin hailey sleeping in the car on our road trip to utah haha

one of my closest friends, jordan, who i got to see in salt lake city :DD

my cousin caitie and her new hubby at the salt lake temple!!

celebrating shabbat at camp...oy vey the memories!!

the glory of mt shasta

hailey and some of our little cousins in oregon

my cuz/bff hans & i

all in all a pretty eventful summer. what the future holds, who can say....and im off.