when it rains it pours

well well well!!! i know i have not blogged in a while, ALOT has been happeneing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i was in a rut in my life, i didnt know where i was going, i didnt know what i was doing, i felt like i was wondering areound in the desert like moses & the israelites or something. i was so lonely, and i really missed my friend kelsey who has been in thailand for the last few months. i emailed her and told her about my life of pure mediocraty and purposelessness, and she sent me the most wonderful reply:



"i'm sorry you are sad and lonely. i wish i had some sage words that would instantaneously turn your sorrows to joys but i don't.. because i know how you feel and i have been very lonely in my life and i know the pain, no words can fix it because healing comes from within yourself.. no scriptures or advice or quotes someone gives to you will make your pain go away. god is all around you and all the beauty and joy you experienced is still available to you. sometimes life appears hollow and futile and we wonder how we ever thought it made sense and inspired us to create beautiful things... one day again you will be moved to create by the beauty of the universe."

i had a smoothie of feelings after reading her email, i knew it was true but my heart was so heavy i felt like it would not be true for me.

turned out i was wrong, as we all are so many times in life!! as it turns out im signed up to go to india for 4 months starting in january to work at an orphanage and travel. 4 MONTHS. INDIA. IIINNNDDIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! IM GOING TO INDIA!!!!! i cant believe it!! and now i have a job at one of my all time favorite places, THE PANNIKIN!!!! virgen madre de jesus. when it rains it pours. i guess a little faith and hope goes along way.

i have no fucking idea where life is going to take me. i used to have a "plan" for my life, now OPPOSITE. i know i just have to roll with the punches, there is no way in hell, heaven, or earth that you can plan for all of the terrible and wonderful things that happen to you in life. you never stop discovering new things about the world or yourself. i can feel a twinkle of hope creeping back into my

life again.



stress and chai

sooooooooooo i havent blogged in a while. so here is a catchup:

life has been HELLA stressful, im breaking out and my grades have been slipping :// i have to get on that!! i dont know whats up, i cant get distracted at this time in my life. i just have to work work work work busy busy busy busy left right left right im not here to have fun.

seriously.................im making an oath:

i, jaclyn,

vow to do all of my projects

no matter how much i fucking hate it

and no matter how stupid i think they are

and do 110% job

and to study my ass off

for the rest of the semester

or may god strike me with a lightening bolt

amen

suprisingly i feel better about my life now, ha!!but seriously.

also today i went with my friend jeff and got a lovely chai latte at coffee bean, its my favorite drink besides black coffee. i love black coffee!! i love coffee with cigarettes, its the best.

i should really start to try to smoke less. seriously. i am chewing gum to try to curb my cravings, its not really working.

jaff and i having fun

chai with american spirits...........yum!!

royalty

well well well!! last night "kims fairytale wedding" part I aired. it. was. fab. i love that show, which may sound shallow, but in general i really like reality shows!! not because i want to be like snookie or a fundementalist latter day saint likie on "sister wives", i just love love LOVE to psycho-analyze that shit. i like to psycho-analyze every thing. thats probably why i want to be an art therapist, get inside peoples heads, extract their mental burden with my mind vice & crush it.

p.s for all you kardashian fanz, i hate kris humpheries as of now. he is very distasteful in my sight, not to mention disrespectful, self centered, and just plain immature. lets hope the hump proves us wrong tonight at 8.

hahahahaha i feel like a looser.......BUT I DONT CARE :))

forgiveness

The Oxford English Dictionary defines forgiveness as 'to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt'.

forgive forgive FORGIVE!!!

every religeon emphisizes making amends with others and god. well maybe except satanism but i cant really say.

christianity: forgiveness is through jesus christ, through him one finds peace with god.

islam: god is "al-ghaffur" all forgiving, and to recive forgiveness you must recognize your offense, make a commitment to not repeat your mistakes, and ask forgiveness from god.

hinduism: "prayaschittha" atoning from ones wrong doings. karma is a sum of all that an individual has done, is currently doing and will do. the effects of those deeds and these deeds actively create present and future experiences, thus making one responsible for one's own life, and the pain in others.

judaism: teshuva. the act of returning to god. there is no middle man, all have the power to return to hashem, if you have a sincere mind and a willing mind. ask for forgiveness from others, because they are betzelem elohim, the divinity of god resides in all people, if you wrong a person, you have wronged god. you must ask forgiveness from the people you have hurt, make amends and be reconciled in order for forgiveness. also you must make a vow with yourself not to repeat what youve done to any other person.

humans have limitations, we are not perfect. i have limitations, i am not perfect. i recognize that i have not treated others the way i want to be treated, i have not been kind and loving to strangers, i have not preformed mitzvot with a whole heart, i have not put 100% into all of my actions, i have not been fully compatiuonate, i have not honored my parents, i have taken care of mother earth as much i should, i have lied, i have cheated, i have been stubborn, i have been angry. i have been all these things, and its time to reflect on who i want to become.

i want to be kind, i want to excude love, i want to be open and compationate, i want to be giving and grateful in my life, i must become more proactive in all that i do, i want to create beauty in this world.

i want to be able to forgive myself.

i am human & i have limitations.

the most importand thing

well yom kippur is only 3 days away, and its time for contemplation on our actions this past year. this is a tough subject. did i treat others with loving kindess and as i want to be treated?? definately not always!! im guilty of being selfish, quick to anger, and unforgiving. i know, i can be a real cold hearted bitch!! i hate it, i want to be perfect 8 days a week and go above and beyond every expectation and excel at all my challenges.

practice makes perfect. WHAT BULLSHIT. there is no such thing as perfect. but you know what?? its the mistakes and shortcomings of everything in this life that makes us beautiful souls.

yom kippur.....day of atonement. you can never ask god for forgiveness if you have wronged another person, you must GO to the wronged and ask for their forgiveness. by wronging your fellow man, you have wronged god.

i can only ask adonai to help me forgive myself. forgive yourself forgive yourself forgive yourself. have compassion on yourself!!!!!!!!!!!! i feel like this is impossible. we are so hard on ourselves, why is it so difficult to let go of our mistakes?? it is so easy to fall into patterns of negative self talk, it takes work to be able to find your peace of mind. to try to heal takes courage.

blessings

for my birthday all i wanted was to be able to see my friends and relations, and i did, & it was divine!!


friday my sister kim too me out to breakfast at pannikin, my favorite!! i had granola with soy and black coffee (yummiest breakfast ever) & kim had one of their grade a bagels with an iced mocha. we went to lous records to scope out the music scene & i also restocked on my incense. ok, there is the hottest guy at lous, he is tall and brittish and savvy. we always chat when i go to browse there, and its one of my reasons for living.


that night, after a refreshing walk with craig on the beach, grace and claire came with me to see midnight in paris(my second time seeing it because I LOVE IT)!!!!! if you have not seen that film yet, turn off your computer now and just go. just go and see it.now. its so clever and witty, oy!! 


then on saterday night julie brought over her magnificent sweet potatoes and my brother joe made his famous salmon. everyone got along good and had fun!! hilly and david also had a jam sesh with guitar and piano which added greatly to the ambiance. 


thanks everyone who made #19 so special!!

SEPTEMBER 30th!!

well tomorrow is the anniversary of my birth, and i will be 19. my last year of being a teenager, and my last year of childhood!! im on the threshold of my youth.


18 was not the best year, many many struggles and hard times but overall i have grown so much and have become a much stronger person, although i have a long climb ahead of me still. life is full of ups and downs, it reminds me of the joni mitchell song:

"...and the seasons they go round and round

and the painted ponies go up and down

we're captured on a carousel of time

we cant look back we can only look behind from where we came,

and go round and round and round

in the circle game"

tomorrow i am going to breakfast with my sister kim at pannikin (my fave!!) then going on a walk with craig, then eating acai bowl for dinner & going to see one of my favorite films EVER midnight in paris by woody allen in la jolla theater!! YAY!!!!!! i dont really like making a big deal of my birthday, its just the best though getting to be with the people i love most.

happy new year!!!!!!!!!

my darling jews, and any jew who is a jew,

HAPPY MUTHAFUCKING NEW YEAR. teeheee i entertain myself, but seriously.

for myself the next ten days of awe i will be focusing on making amends with people who ive wronged this past year and looking forward another year of health for my friends and relations, and wish all of them the best year ever!!

on a serious note i will be revaluating my life, who i am as a person. how to become the person i want to be, and my connection with hashem. this is something that will take more than just 10 days, it will be something to work on for my entire life!! rosh hashanah and yom kippur are just small reminders (even though they are the high holy days) of what it means to be a true human being, how to be respectful & giving to others, and how to carpe diem the shit out of your life.

so shana tova.

different doors at different times

ive been feeling a bit lonely lately. i really miss my friends all gone at college. i am also a little envious of them. they are off on their big college adventures and im stuck here in san diego, a starving artist with no money, and its no longer the 50's so i cant hitch hike with out getting murdered like neil casaday or jack kuroac and meet awesome sauce people. maybe ill just road trip and bring a shit load of bear mase.

i see all of these photos on facebook and start feeling blue, but all i can do is make the best of whats going on in my life. i am grateful that i have such a cushy life and home, and im happy that i get this extra time to be with my jewish community & also being with my family with all thats been going on with mia familia.

even though i am very independent right now and on my own in a different way then my university-ite peers, its ok. there are times when youre not supposed to be with anyone, there are some doors you have to walk through alone.

robert california

so i am watching the season premier of the office season 8!!! im so excited its back on, ,just wondering how the show will do without steve carrell. the new character of the offices manager/CEO is "rober california" played by james spader.  i feel that this is a very savvy name. he is a very quirky and intimidating character, mixed in with dry humor. so i guess all you office fans out there, lets see how this plays out..........

find x.....

howdy. i just wanted to say that i finished my first math exam today!! it took me 1 hour on the dot. i dont want to jinx it so i wont say how i feel about how i did..........i am just going to have to keep it a suprise :))

also last week i found out my bestie jordan is moving back to norcal (my native land) from salt lake city to be a nanny up by sacramento!!! i smell a road trip, im extremely excited. ooh and if i go to visit here i can also go visti my friend evan at ucdavis. wow now im excited squared (hey a math term!!).

so thats pretty much it. please keep your fingers crossed for the sake of my exam grade gpa.

Psych reflections

MY PSHYCHOLOGY CLASS IS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my professor is hilarious. she is 5'0, fiesty, and is the definition of the South. shes also the human sexuality professor so we talk about sex alot too (one of my favorite subjects...no shit).

last class we had our first exam, so i wanted to reflect on what i have learned and what was poignant to me these last few classes.

one is the paradox of prosses:
so what is this paradox?? it on how we as a society have reacted to adjusting to modern life. for one, we enjoy this rush of technological revolution thus enjoy much more liesure time & choices. however, THIS DOES NOT MAKE US HAPPIER and our precieved qualilty of life has seemed to have gotten worse. mostly because our traditional sources of emotional security have been lost. family, community, and spirituality have weakened greatly. our mental demands of modern life have become much too complex and we have become excessively materialistic. we are on the constant search for fulfillment and the meaning of life.

the human mind is amazing!! we are the only animals on earth who are unique in the ways that excercise free will, personal growth, and we are rational beings driven by our consiousness.

humans are unique & aware of our own mortality, and this causes great anxiety which can be reduced by our world views and culture. constraints like family, school, and religion give us the sense of order, along with self esteem that serves as buffers from fear of death. so do things that boost your self esteem, folks.

we are amazing organisms, are we not??

growing

what a true statement this is. i read this and immediately thought of a very dear friend of mine. i still regard M as one of my best friends of all time, but alas we are on two different tracks in our life.

i think as people we have grown into exactly who we need to be. she has become a great lady in the past few years, she used to be pulled in two different directions of excessive high school drama and materialism and her spiritual calling to the church. for me it has been an internal struggle of self destruction and spiritual callings. although different struggles, we have had the parallel of utter ambivilence.

now M is on her way to thailand & australia for missionary work, she has become more down to earth and caring on her decissions to fallow christs teachings and has achieved spiritual enlightenment from scripture & community of her church, where i am fallowing my passion of art & have found my place as a jew & am absolutely in love with my jewish community!!!

how different our lives seem to be now, we were once inseperatable and now we have had to separate in order to fallow are hopes and dreams. because we have grown into our own selves, we have been forced to grow apart. but that doesnt mean that we have lost the love between eachother. its just different.

the blanket of solace and beauty

my friend georgette from my figure drawing class wrote a beautiful note on facebook the other day. she wrote about our art class and how special it is to be in a community of artist who understand your perspectives on life & creativity. how much i love that class!!

there have been so many artist who have touched my heart and challenged me as an artist in figure drawing. that class constantly pushes you to see and feel the different formalities of the figure and the beauty of the human shell. your image of yourself indeed changes as does the image of the world.

i live and breathe art and creativity, even ugliness is transformed into beauty in my eyes. i feel everything. art is life, its tangeble, spiritual, and REAL. it pulls your emotions out of you, and i find solace with the blanket of my mind.

what a beautiful and sad thing it is to be a human being.

georgetteness:

girl/womanhood

"And we started to learn about their lives, coming to hold collective memories of times we hadn't even experienced. We felt the imprisonment of being a girl. The way it made your mind activeand dreamy and how you ended up knowing colors that went together. We knew that the girls were really women in disguise, that they understood love and even death, and that our job was merely to craete the noise that seemed to facinate them. We knkew that they knew everything about us and that we couldn't fathom them at all."

-The Virgin Suicides

aint it the truth!! for some reason there is a sense of imprisonment for every girl and women, some secret place that know man can ever understand. its like the secret code & power of all women, unspoken but known amongst our gender. we are always thinking and analyzing details, and stew and discover our thoughts and apply them to life in some mysterious knowing way.

911

thank you firefighters

thank you mothers

thank you children

thank you fathers

thank you soldiers

thank you twin towers

thank you new york

thank you pentegon

thank you usa, even though i disagree with you sometimes

thank you thank you thank you

and i send my condolences & my love

seeing

today after going on a wonderful hike with ellen & mark, i went and played with jonah for a while. let me tell you something, i just love that kid!! he is so sweet. we went swiming and then i watched him on his bike. also our thai students came today!! theyre so cute and have never been to the states before, so we are easing them into it i can tell theyre in a bit of a culture shock. what a divine day!!

 jonah is a very special person and will one day, if not already, grace the world with his raw talent of music and sports. i can see how even though he struggles making his way into the world, but i know that we miss alot of the beauty and detail of this life that he sees and we over look. what a great mystery his mind and ideas are, what things he must observe that we do not.

my lovely cousin hannah who is also an artist put this up on her website today, its a picture of her eye & we both have the very same eyes (which i think is neat!!). here is the link, its pretty amazing!!:

http://hannah-curran.artistwebsites.com/featured/my-eye-hannah-curran.html?newartwork=true

'aint it the truth!!

"Have the courage to face the pure, unsweetened truth of ourselves so that we can move on and grow in more honest and authentic ways."

my friend jordan recently wrote in her blog (by the way, i hate the word blog...blog, smog, log, bog...) about being constantly being on the quest of truth and clarity in our lives.

the truth is always in contaversey, such as the battle between religions of who "has the truth" about god and spirituality, between democtats and republicans. we see this clash all the time!! abortion is bad, choice is good, dont tax, tax, guns, arms are for hugging, dont ask dont tell, same sex ,marraige rights, abstinance, use a condom!! is there no one universal truth?? does everyones personal truth contradict the laws of the universe?? what is one thing we agree on?? i suppose be nice to people and dont talk with your mouth full....but in some cultures its acceptable to talk with your mouth full so i guess its just be nice to people.

but the thing is, its hard to be nice to people. people are stupid, we are constantly screwing up and asking for second chances. and sometimes people are just being assholes which makes it just plain hard to overlook their faults and just be kind.

its hard to be nice to ourselves also. its so hard to find truth within your own personal being. who knows, martin luther king jr might have looked in the mirror and said "i hate how self centered i can be" when he had such a beautiful soul and gave his life for african american equality. marilyn monroe was so beautiful and talented, yet she could not find the truth in her self what a special person she was and except herself. its so weird how we do this, we judge so much.

i am definately contemplative on what these universal truths are. i feel that everyone is beautiful in their own way, even ann coulter. but why cant i see myself as others do?? i dont like myself. well sometimes i love myself, and sometimes i drive myself crazy!! but i suppose no matter how much you internally struggle you must always continue to seek and grow. no matter how tough the road gets!!!!!!

thanks harry

today i watched my recorded star wars movies from the labor day star wars marathon (WTF does star wars have to do with labor day??? well who cares i guess as long as theres a star wars marathon). what a great plot!! same with harry potter. both tell the tales of the heros internal battle between their light and dark sides, fighting for the truth, and being the best friend you can be.

seriously, the timeless quotes from the sages yoda, obi-wan, and dumbledore are wise words to live by. who cant take "there is no try, there is only do  and do not." "luke: i dont believe it!! yoda: and that is why you fail."  "It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." "It’s the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more." and of course "There are all kinds of courage. It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends."
man oh man i tell ya, i cant tell you how many sunday schools and small groups ive gone to, there are obviously ethical lessons from the bible....but honestly i learned more about friendship and loyalty and love from start wars and harry potter. is that sad?? hhhmmmm i dont know if it is. i guess people take away and connect to different lessons. to some people, the baghavad gita, the new testiment, and for me, harry potter. dont judge.

fruits of solitude



"They that love beyond the world cannot be separated by it.
   Death cannot kill what never dies.
   Nor can spirits ever be divided, that love and live in the same divine principle, the root and record of their friendship.
   If absence be not death, neither is theirs.
   Death is but crossing the world, as friends do the seas; they live in one another still.
   For they must needs be present, that love and live in that whch is omnipresent.
   In this divine glass they see face to face; and their converse is free, as well as pure.
   This is the comfort of friends, that though they may be said to die, yet their friendship and society are, in the best sense, ever present, because immortal."

William Penn, from More Fruits of Solitude

when i read this exerpt, in my head it makes sense. my mind trys to tell my heart "see? you should not have to struggle from grief, because death is just a crossing of the world. you are still connected to that person, even though its not physical. there is no need to waste your time in being sad!!"

but i feel that the heart can never level with this logic. no matter what your brain tries to rationalize greif and death, your emotions need time to process loss.

i wish that the process of grief was as simple as this poem. i agree that you are always connected to your loved one, even in death. but how hard it is to cope with not being physically able to communicate with them, hug them, be comforted by them, laugh with them. you can only remember their smile, funny quirks and mannerisms, & their personality. but your memories of them, no matter how meaningful and beautiful, are only fractions of their character and being.

its true, friends and relations are alive still in our hearts, but being separated by the barrier that separates life and death is the tormentor.

how wonderful for those who have passed on, to be freed of all of lifes struggles and pain. how sad it is for us who have been left behind. 

blind control

one of my all time favorite art exercises/techniques is blind contour drawing. you draw a subject without looking down at your paper or picking up your pen the entire time. i drew one of my best friends, sophie, using blind contour. she came out kind of picas looking, but whatever because this technique is all about paying attention and enjoying the small details. its about giving up control over your art and over your judgement of yourself, how can you judge your creation if you didn't even look at your paper the whole time?? its guaranteed to come out abstract and you never know what its going to look like in the end. 


i never really realized how deep the meaning of this exercise goes, giving up control of your art. to an artist, art=life. thus giving up your control is in a way giving up a part of your life and just rolling with the ounces and just accepting the way your drawing turned out. 


isn't that just how life is?? how hard it is to realize that we basically don't control anything!! we just have to do our best and what ever comes out of our work is what we have to accept how its turned out. and no matter how life turns out, or our drawings, they really do turn out quite beautiful.


sophie:

the miracle worker

Does anyone of you own one of these babies?? well let me tell you something....I DO. and it is life changing. a little something about myself: i have terrible terrible allergies. before i got my tonsiles removed i had strep throat almost 7 times a year and bed struck allergies.

so the past week ive had the worst headache in my life, thursday i went to bed at 6pm and stayed in bed until 4pm the next day and was intrerrupted by an invisible sledgehammer slamming me in the head.

now let me tell you something , i dont believe in western medicine. im pretty holistic so when i am sick i just drink tea and sleep with alot of blankets to sweat out the fever  if i have one. so thats what i pretty much did for the past 48 hours.

i have never used a neti pot before...i thought they were weird and i was always a little intimidated to use one!! my headache got so bad from my stuffed up sinuses i gave in against my better judgement. there is the iscotopic treatment (the regular one) and then the hydronic treatment (the nighty one) naturally i chose the latter.

it seriously changed my life. i did one neti treatment around 9 am yesterday, woke up at 4pm and neti-ied it up again!! GLORIOUS!!! i did it agian this morning and there is virtually no pain left in my sinuses AND i can smell again. there is a god, and he has a plan for us all.....and its called THE NETI POT!!!!!!!!!!!

so far away....doesnt anybody stay in one place anymore??

today has been one somber affair. two very close people to my heart, kelsey and nick. theyre going to thailand for 3 months and then in january nick goes to seattle and kels goes to fort collins. friends and relations are dropping like flies around here!! my little brother joe is too popular for me, and my sisters are both busy with work and school. we have two completely different scheduals, same with my BFF grace. it sucks.

i feel really lonely...wait no actually i feel alone, which is different. im a lone wolf right now, wondering through my days like a ghost in a cold limbo unseen by all. that may sound depressing, but thats how i feel.

kelsey and nick, i really truly will miss you. i already miss you!! please be safe and dont get malaria or any weirdo disease. just so you know, a piece of my spirit goes with both of you. i love you so much, go out and bring peace to the world you beautiful friends!!!!!!!!!

sticks vs hour glasses

body image is something that i especially struggle with, i feel constantly in an endless competition with other women, and even my close friends, to be my ideal "thiness" or whatever the hell your word of choice is. i used to feel that being self consious about ones body was something you grow out of after you reach a certain age (24 maybe??) but now i realize that a good handful of women have an ageless battle with body image, even my mom complains that shes gained weight or doesnt want to wear a bathing suit even though she's only 42 and has a athlete mom bod.


i recently watched "lets make love" with marilyn monroe. marilyn is one of those universal sex icons, she is undoutably thought of as one the sexyest and beautiful bodasious women of all time!! compare a marilyn monroe curvy diva to our modern model who are 6 feet tall and weigh a total of 85 pounds. marylin was a size 12 compared to the now "healthy" abd "normal" sizes of 0 and 2. a size 6 or 8 is scrutinized amoung american women as being overweight or hefty. what is up with us?? why are we so warped into thinking this way?? why am i so obsessed with my weight?? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH SOCIETY??!!!


who really decides what is beautiful and whats not?? is it the fashion industry, or being self consious about the way the opposite sex views us?? in oriental culture, small feet are considered desirable, thus women would put blocks on their feet when they were young to thwart the growth and create their fairy feet & live with pain and foot problems for life. people think thats going to extremes, but alas in LA culture its the norm to go plastic surgery crazy an morph your entire face into something else and bowling ball status ta tas. what sounds more extreme now.


i wonder when we will wake up and recognize that everyone is born a different unique way and that their "flaws" make them beautiful instead of freakish creatures. curvy used to be in, and i hope it comes back, because id really like to be able to eat whatever i want without guilt. this is something i have to work on.

santa maria

there are many people in this world that inspire me, but one of my top people is my nana, mary. she is singke handedly one of the most smart, independent and determined women in the the last 100 years. she makes eleanor roosavelt and michelle obama look like pretentious girl scouts. shes taught me most of my lifes ethics: work hard (life doesnt owe you anything, so go out and kick its ass), family first, and red wine and a little poker  or oh hell can fix anything.

my nana is an episcopalian with attitude. she doesnt believe in one right religeon, but the universal oneness of god and the universe. this life is all there is, so live it up, be nie to people, and dont talk with your mouth full.

all though im jewish, there is one part of my christian past that i still hold on too.

ive always had a very special connection to saint mary, and whenever i think of her appearing to us mere mortals, preforming miracles, or comforting one in the time of need, i alwasy see my nanas face and something that she has done for me or for my family.

"Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee; blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen^"

mission accomplished

Jaclyn, absolutely I can add you to my Tuesday class. I have attached the syllabus for the course so that you can catch up. I can give you the permission number that you need on Tuesday.

Professor Fitzgerald

 

thank god.

adolescent angst

an email to (hopefully) my astronamy teacher:

Greetings and salutations my name is Jaclyn Curran and I am a freshly minted student at Mira Coasta. I made one of those adolescent blunders regarding my schedual and to make a long story short I do not have an english class etc. I was planning on taking your class next semester and I know I missed your intro class on Tuesday, but I would be eternally greatful if you accepted me into your class even though I am late!! I see that you have a green circle and three open seats for Tuesday nights, so I beg of you to accept me please. Thanks so much for your time and hope to hear from you soon.

Cordially,

Jaclyn Curran

sound desparate enough?? well thats because i am. keep your fingers crossed, or for all of you spiritual/religious folk out there.............pray for me.

otra vida

i have a friend from 5th grade that me and my sister kim recently connected with. she and her family went through really hard times in middle school, then in high school went through some pretty radical changes, became a born again christian & went on a ton of missions, got married last summer right when she turned 18, and now shes about to have a baby!! i cant even believe it!! her hubby is in the military, they have their own apartment, shes my age and is already starting her own family. i wonder what her rush was to get married. what is anyones rush to get married??


 i dont really understand this whole marriage concept anyway. what is wrong with just living with someone & having a family without the ceremony & contract?? to me its pretty much the same terms of commitment with or with out a wedding. what do young and ultra-religious adults think about when they get married at 18/19/20?? do they feel like sex out of wedlock is such a terrible sin and god will smite them or something??


see the thing is when you get married so young you dont really have time to grow into your own person. you dont get to really experience life and find out who you are and what you want out of it. you dont know what life partner you need to have in your life yet because really, you dont know what you need to create from your life. honestly, i feel that god would worry more about how you grow and mature as a person so that you can give the best of yourself to better the world rather than if you stay abstinent or not.


personally, i dont think you should really be in a committed relationship until your in your late 20's or 30's. i know that i will not christen someone as a life partner until i have a stable job and i have my head on straight about life. and to be honest, i dont want to get married. i dont have a dream for a big white wedding, i dont want the picket fence and the 1950's house with my  successful business husband and my 2.5 children and labrador retriever. i am independent and determined about life & i feel like i should have my partner have the same attitude about life. 


i dont know if i could ever live like my friend. i dont think i could ever settle down so easily, or even at all, and take the backseat to my husbands life and raise my children. i dont judge women for making that choice, even if i disagree with their thinking. i admire my friend who has the strength to become a loving wife and mother for being so young, and i truly hope the best for her and hope that she has many blessing coming to her in her life!!

2+2=fish

ok, let me be clear, i am in the top ten worst math people currently living. i am seriously so terrible at math, its insane. the only reason why i was even able to graduate high school was because i took math independently and also because my sister rachel took mercy on me and tutored me almost every day. she even said that she made up stories during our little math study sessions to keep me focused on what we were doing.

i really am so self concious about my mathmatic skills, or lack there of, because i feel like the whole world can to math but me and i feel stupid & inferior. i cant even multiply 345 x 9....and thats simple 4th grade math!! im so scared of my math class, even though i am at the lowest level of math at my college, i feel like i
cant do any of it myself and that i am going to fail miserably.

seriously, what is the point of making college students take math or science if their major is not anywhere near those subjects?? im a art major for christs sake!! am i ever going to do math in my life besides paying bills and what not?? 99.9% most likey not.

so after hearing my indian proffesors accent going through our syllabus and all that jazz for an hour and 45 minuets, i was so discouraged and worried that after wards i spent literally 10 minuets crying in the bathroom. yes, i am that pathetic. then i called my sister and vented to her about this conundrum.

rachel, if youre reading this, you truley are a saint. thank you 100 times over for helping me with math all of these years!! even though i know how difficult i was, you helped me so much. its too bad that all of my math knowlege after passing (barely) my classes was completely flushed from my brain. sorry. i really wish that i was 15 and you were 17 and you could help me now hahahaha...but seriously doing this on my own is going to suck without you.

artsy santa

tonight was my first class as a collegite. it was figure drawing/life drawing, which means i get to draw naked people....yay!! but seriously, the human figure in general is an art form. the greeks were the ones who really kick started the rage of figure drawing/painting/sculpture. They regarded the body as a "temple" and a symbol of divinity, the nudes went from 2D to the forms moving in a 3D space. Figure art remains a consistant challenge in the art realm, psychologicaly, in 3D, light & movement, and every single human figure is different. unless youre a clone.

my professor is also quite a comical guy. he has these fiesty little blue eyes and resembles that of an artsy saint nick. seriously, he is aged like a fine wine, is round and jolly, has rosey cheeks, and a snow white beard. he also talks with his hands like an italian mama. really, all thats missing is 8 reindeer and a sleigh.

earlier this morning i ran into my friend/hebro brian who saved me in sorting out all of my classes and figuring out my schedual. thanks brian!!

also i saw the lovely sophilia today, and it was quite a reunion because we havent seen eachother for a while. we went to mozy cafe and ate sweet potato fries. and then i just got home from me and my sis getting burritos. divine!!

staples of the living dead

ok, starting college does spark the imagination for what the future holds, but shopping for school supplies is DEFINATELY not my cup of tea!!!! i hate hate hate hate hate hate hhhhaaaaaaaattttteee places like office depo, staples, walmart, and even the mighty target, make me crazy. after more than 5 minuets in those stores make me feel like a rabbid racoon in a cage, seriously, i become this grumpy, cranky curmudgeon that resembles the tazmanian devil.
so this afternoon i went to staples. now i have a headache-no joke!! after a few mins i began to drag my feet and felt the energy in my body start to drain. i felt like i was becoming a zombie, and i started to wonder "how do the employees here survive this zombie apocolypse??" literally it seemed like all of the cashiers and clerks had pasty never-been-exposed-to-vitimin D-or sunlight skin and gray bags under their eyes.

virgin madre de jesus, i hate back to school shopping.

                          behold my loot.

end of an era

wowzwers. i had this weird dream that it was summer....then i woke up from my nap & i start college tomorrow!! woot i am going to be a art major with a psych minor. its weird how life plays tricks on you, just yesterday i was in 4th grade and five minuets ago i was just starting highschool. father time, you are one strange dude.
i had a lot of fabulous adventures this summer: i drove to utah to see my cousin caitie get married, worked at a jewish day camp, drove up to oregon to go to see my 72 family members at our family reunion and saw mt shasta and crater lake on the way. ive kept busy all summer and now its time to crack down on higher education.

my siblings and i at graduation

grace, my bestie, and i on the swings (AKA scariest thing known to man) at the del mar fair

my cousin hailey sleeping in the car on our road trip to utah haha

one of my closest friends, jordan, who i got to see in salt lake city :DD

my cousin caitie and her new hubby at the salt lake temple!!

celebrating shabbat at camp...oy vey the memories!!

the glory of mt shasta

hailey and some of our little cousins in oregon

my cuz/bff hans & i

all in all a pretty eventful summer. what the future holds, who can say....and im off.